2013 in Review

I can't believe the year is done. It feels as if it just flew by. The year went a little differently than I had expected it to. I am just glad there are only two months left of this internship. I am looking forward to moving on to better things.

Looking back there isn't anything I have done that I regret in the past year. There have been instances where I have doubted myself, but there is nothing I would take back. I am however a little undecided as to whether the year was an eventful one or not. I had to say goodbye to two members of my family this year in a span of about a month. I think all in all this year had it's ups and downs. An up was graduating. I think that's the only major thing this year that I was really looking forward to.

I have so many plans for 2014. I am so set on accomplishing them. I mean there are days where I am so sure of who I am and what I want and other days it's like I have no fucking clue of what it is I actually want.
All I do know is that I am not at the point in my life where I am completely happy. I still feel as though something is lacking. I would love to always be sure of myself and not feel insecure or as if I have no idea of what I'm doing. There are honestly some days when I'm just tired or feel sad for no reason. which makes no sense to me at all.

I'm looking forward to the new year and what it has to offer. 2014 here I come!!!

Dark skinned Goddess

This quite literally just made my day. The fact that Manuela Madong as dark and as beautiful as she is made it to the top 10 of the Miss World beauty pageant. Just goes to show that the general perception of beauty is changing. One does not necessarily have to be light skinned to be beautiful. She is simply gorgeous.

Acceptance and inner peace.

I sometimes struggle to find that inner peace. That feeling of content one has with their life. It does not come easy. We struggle sometimes to accept who we are or who we have become. For me it feels like a vicious cycle. Just when I have my feet firmly on the ground and I feel everything is okay, suddenly it feels like the ground beneath me gives way….a constant struggle….a vicious cycle….round and round.

Falling down

I am humbled, experience has taught me so much. it truly has been the best teacher. We make mistakes so we can learn from them. From that we grow, mature to eventually become who we are, who we are supposed to be. I would not take back the negative experiences I have had in my life for they are the foundation, the building blocks that make up who I am today. Every tear shed, and every moment wasted was worth it. It sounds strange to say. It definitely did not seem that way then, but now I understand it. It finally makes sense.

Saw this and thought it was beautiful :)

I want to be the one

I want to be the one who makes your heart skip a beat

I want to be the one who makes you anxious when we meet

I want to be the one you would kiss in the rain

I want to be the one you would hold through the pain

  

I want to be the one who makes you smile

I want to be the one for whom you would go that extra mile

I want to be the one you’re afraid to lose

I want to be the one you would always choose

I want to be the one you tell every secret to

I want you to be the one I can confide in too

I want you to be the one I share my life with

I want to be the one who gives you strength

I want you to be the one I can count on when things go wrong

I want you to be the one who won’t let me cry for too long

I want to be the one with whom you would always want to be

I want you to always love me

xoxo

Perceptions

I am everything and yet I am nothing. I can't be defined, I exist in too many forms to be distinctly defined.
I am what you want me to be, my existence is solely dependent on your perceptions. You define me.
You and no one else is my creator.

There are two aspects to my existence. I can exist only on the surface, a shallow form where nothing runs deeper, there is no substance. Or there can be a deeper version of myself, one that has so many dimensions, is so much more meaningful, valuable.

They say I can be the cause of vanity but I feel I contribute more to the lack of self confidence and misery in some. Many have tried to define me, to categorize me, delineate me. They are foolish, they don't understand that I cant be delimited. Like I said, I can never be defined for I exist in too many forms. There are so many versions of myself, but they have tried and I have watched them try.

They seem to think that if one does not fit the criteria they have outlined, what they have defined me to be, then they surely can't be me.

Well, I am here to tell you that they are wrong. I am whatever you choose. I exist only in your eyes. You need to remember that I am relative. I am here, I am not there. I am nowhere and yet I am everywhere.  I want you to know that you are me in the very many different versions in which I exist.

I admit that I do not dwell in perfection, but rather am the epitome of imperfection. When they defined me, they defined me as perfection. That is not me, that will never be me.

Sincerely yours
Beauty.

Update

Hey there:)

Been a while I know, I've been busy. Work is going well and I'm doing pretty okay, I think....
I am excited however that I am about a third through my internship. The best part is that I have a plan for next year and now have an idea of what I want to study *phew*. I was stressed about that as I felt I had no sense of direction and felt pretty much naive. Feels great to have a sense of direction again.

So my plan is to apply for uni next year but I''ll apply for a job and work a couple of months next year too.  Hopefully I can save up to lighten the financial load on my parents. For the past couple of months I was feeling off. I think that had to do with graduating and finishing uni. The idea that one chapter of your life has ended and that its time for something new. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for new experiences but this year started off on a bad note due to my grandmother and Brian passing away. I feel I am finally at a point where I am at peace and I've accepted it for what it is. I mean I had to right? No matter how sad the passing of a loved one is, you cant be stuck in that rut forever. You need to put yourself together and eventually move on, which is what i am trying to do.

The exciting news so far is being an aunt, since my lovely cousin ha decided to bring forth new life into this world. I am looking forward to the arrival of the little one. I love babies. As for any other aspect of my life....boring. what I expected to happen in terms of romantic affairs never came to be so i have reconciled and willed myself to just get over it and move on. Apart from Him, I don not see any other hopeful prospect. I think I really need to meet new people. I feel like I am not social enough and spend way too many weekends at home for someone my age. Just the other day I was thinking that I might actually not get married. That seems like such a far fetched idea to me right now. Really weird when I know about three or so friends and classmates of mine who are married or engaged. Some of them have kids. Don't get me wrong I would love to be a mom some day but not anytime soon. I need at least another six to ten years to sort myself out first. There is no way I would be able to deal with a baby right now anyway.

Okay what else is there to blab about..lol uhm, okay so I am psyched for next year and I am preparing, extra early, for the board exams. I will kick ass. I really cant wait to finish this internship. They say good thing come to those who wait and life has a way of working itself out. I sure hope that is true. And with that I sign out.

I'ts a matter of time...

I hate how those around you have the power to belittle you, make you feel less than you are. I hate how they tend to emphasize your imperfections, feeding your insecurities. The more its fed, the bigger it becomes. the bigger it becomes, the harder it is to manage. 

I hate how you can feel as if your never good enough and that no one understands you. I hate how you sometimes try but things don't work out the way you want. Everyone is entitled to a happy ending. Everyone. 

I refuse to allow it. I refuse to allow anyone to make me feel less than I am, to make me unhappy. I know my capabilities, my strengths, my weaknesses. You can take and take, but you can never strip me of my happiness. I am in charge of that, the decision is and always has been mine. I may be unhappy now, but things will definitely change. I guarantee you that. Its only a matter of time. 

Passing by

Today I learned that my cousin passed away. He was nineteen. It still has not completely sunk in yet. I feel numb. Its this sort of feeling where you don't even want to feel anything and everything seems pointless. He was way too young. They say that life is short, and when your time comes you should not question it...that its Gods plan.  I don't think it was in his plan to leave a family grieving. I don't know, I feel like I am at a loss for words. Life is funny, its funny how you can be with someone one day and their gone the next. Its saddening to think he still had his whole life ahead of him. He could have done so much but I guess God had other plans. \

This is the second death in the family this year after my grandmother passed last month. I think there is something wrong with me as I did not shed tears for my grandmother. I think that might have been because she had lived her life, as she was eighty-five, and in a way you saw it coming. she was elderly so at the back of your mind you know that she would not be with us much longer. But this...this was completely unexpected. I felt as if I would cry when I first heard but I didn't. I would not allow myself to. I feel I should mourn to get the needed closure. This is the first person, close to my own age, that I have known personally pass away.

I suppose I will cry eventually, as I do and will miss him. He was a great person to talk to and be around. I don't think I can even explain how much I will miss him.

This blog post is dedicated to you. I want you to know that you will be greatly missed by us all. You may have left us physically but you will be in our hearts. I will miss your funny jokes and your quirky ways. I'll miss your sense of humor, how you could always make me laugh. I still cant believe that your gone. Until we meet again...

R.I.P

Better Days

There are days when it’s difficult to make sense of anything. Feeling as though the world will collapse around you. Misery, desperation and despair are eminent. You become obliviously indulgent in mounds of emotion. Negativity becomes your companion; loneliness your fear. Desolation surrounds you, falling like a veil that can not be lifted.

These are the days when you struggle. Nothing seems as simple as yesterday or as hopeful as tomorrow. Smiling even though you’re dying on the inside. Wondering, hoping, and praying….for that better day, when everything made sense. When smiling at a complete stranger was the easiest thing in the world. And you never had to worry about the lesser days. You knew they were coming, but somehow at that point in time it never bothered you…because you are so caught up in this state of unadulterated bliss….this joy, that’s almost indescribable. Every thing and everyone around seems so much more vibrant, beautiful, enthusiastic appreciative of life and all that it has to offer.

Although you don’t realize it, these complicated days will come to pass. Moving on, realizing where you want to be; how you’re going to get there. Making that decision….this will not be the state of your life, neither will it define you. It will see you to these better days. You rid yourself of the shackles that bound you to the helplessness. You rise above the despair that suppressed you for what seems like an eternity. You learn to believe in yourself, your capabilities. See things in a new light, open your eyes….and then you’ll see, the bliss that once was; the appreciation, love, beauty…..LIFE

Wreckless Abandon

I lay awake, hoping, dreaming
Dreaming of better days to come
Dreaming of being happier than I am

Pondering...what could have been
what lies ahead
A fleeting thought which could one day become my reality
Finding myself waiting....

Waiting for the day I wake up, waiting for the day I can begin living
Refusing to accept what is and never losing faith
Shrouded by doubts, plagued by insecurity

Letting go of my inhibitions
abandoning the negativity I have carried around forever
A heavy burden, now a weight lifted.

Knowing that this is not the end but simply the beginning
having all the power to initiate a new beautiful beginning
Wanting more out of life
Driven by the hunger to succeed

All the pain and suffering now inconsequential
As I now embark on this journey of self fulfillment
I lay awake...hoping...dreaming.

 

Black Beauty

Ah, today I'd like to blab about one of the many  issues we all deal with in life. This for me is a slightly sensitive matter. Yes, looks. I think this affects girls a little more than it does guys. We are pressured to look a certain way, mainly by society. If you don't fit the the "cookie cutter" definition of what the media has idealized beauty to be, then your not considered beautiful or you feel "ugly". Now, for me personally, I only really began being aware of my appearance in about 7th or 8th grade. I would receive one or two comments on my ridiculously dark skin, but it never really got to me. Once I reached high school it got so much worse. That is what diminished whatever sliver of self-confidence I might have had. This being the reason I went through basically the whole of high school feeling really unattractive.  I went through this stage where I tried skin lightning creams and foundations which were two shades lighter than my actual skin tone. Looking back on it now, I can laugh about it. I will admit that I do feel self conscience from time to time and that unattractive feeling rears its ugly head occasionally, but I can proudly say I've come a long way since my high school days.

It took me a while but I have learned that there is no one definition of beauty. It exists in so many forms. They always say that you should learn to love yourself, learn to appreciate yourself for who you are. No one told me that that is much easier said than done. That it's a process which takes time. Its takes even longer if you have other individuals placing seeds of doubt in your mind. It took me so long to feel comfortable in my own skin, to feel comfortable being me, and appreciating who I am. I learned to love what I can not change, and its not that I love it because I can not change it, I love it because its what God intended. I'm not too sure if that makes sense. One of the most important lessons learnt is that not everything is about appearance. I really do find it frustrating how the media stereotype beauty though. When it comes to this topic one needs to think out of the box and explore all possible avenues. The black girl with an Afro should be just as beautiful as the white girl with long blond hair. I think no matter how much we voice our opinions, its is hard to break  the mold in which our media portrays beauty. This is one of the reasons why I really appreciate what Tyra Banks is trying to convey. She wants the media to understand that beauty has so many facets and is not just one dimensional. At the end of the day, we all have our own idea of what beauty is. This is fine, but one should not have the right to treat others with condescension because that individual does not fit their ideal of what beauty is. As for me, I'm some what happier now than I was in high school. I feel I'm much wiser and refuse to allow anyone to put me in the position I was then. There is simply no way I can go back to that. I am so much wiser. Learn to love and appreciate yourself. It may take time, but its definitely worth it.

Is this it?

I find myself asking this question more often than usual. I'm not sure if its because I feel like I have not accomplished enough, or I am not being challenged enough. It bothers me how life can be quite...predictable.  Today I found myself thinking that life tends to be so mundane at times, a constant  repetitive cycle.

Its a constant struggle not to slip into the state of non-nonchalance.Figuratively speaking I feel like I'm standing still while everyone walks by me. Its not that I'm not accomplishing what I want, its just that things are not happening the way I want them to. If I were to imagine the way my life would be like four years ago now, this would not be what I imagine. I want more. I feel sometimes I'm not completely happy with my decisions. This year being a constant reminder of that. It simply re-enforces the ideas of what could have been. What could my life be like if I had done this instead of that. I find myself feeling unappreciated sometimes.

It really is a constant struggle not to slip into this state of depression. As much as I want things to change, I feel as though I have no power over bringing about the change. This ultimately is what tends to tarnish my self confidence as well as contributes to the slight depression I may feel at times. We always try to reach our goals and make sure we are happy with our decisions, but it seems like the world is not going to have it easy on us. Its not easy when your constantly comparing yourself to others. I'm not sure about everyone else but that, I think is one of my major problems.

Okay enough with the negativity. My new mantra for the year, and I guess for life in general, is to radiate positivity. I refuse to let certain situations get me down. Its up to me to ensure that I maintain a positive attitude as that is the only way I'll get through these situations. I feel like a positive state of mind can get you through almost any situation.So whatever it is you are going through, look for the silver lining and focus on that instead. Do not let one single bad experience be your downfall. Life I guess is full of them and letting them get to you means you wont be able to navigate your way through the dangerous unknown territory we call life. Okay, maybe not so dangerous, but sometimes it does feel like the unknown. With that I sign off.

Who I was,Who I am, Who I want to be

She finds herself waiting, hoping. Relentlessly searching, searching for that one moment that will not only define her, but change her. It is within this moment she'll discover that there are so many facets to her existence. There a  million and one dreams that have not been dreamt and a million and one opportunities waiting to be conquered. She contemplates and imagines  Her thoughts drift to who she was, who she is and who she has become. A journey led so far by fear, love and determination. An overwhelming cascade of emotions that are now second nature to who she currently is. 

Her aspirations, her downfalls. Her trials and her tribulations are a part of who she is. Fear and doubt make up part of who she was. Masked by a facade of happiness, lies broken dreams and missed opportunities. Misjudgments and misunderstandings. Time and time again she blamed herself for what she had become, of who she was. There was constant ambivelance as to who she wanted to be and who she was expected to be. It never occurred to her that she had the prerogative to always be who she wanted and not what was expected. 

She now faces all aspects of life with a brand new outlook. A simple change in her perception, changes her entire outlook on life. No longer is she blind to the opportunities that await her. She now has the courage to pursue her ambitions. Fully aware that patience and determination will see her through, she embarks not only on a journey of self-fulfillment, but a journey of self discovery and true happiness. 

Tired

I'm tired of feeling as I do
I'm tired of never feeling good enough
I'm tired of not feeling beautiful
I'm tired of being judged, by those who don't even know me

I'm tired of not getting what I want
I'm tired of my insecurities
I'm tired of constantly having to try so hard
Trying so hard to fit in, to belong.
I'm tired.

I'm tired of pretending I'm fine when I want to cry
I'm tired of feeling sad for no reason
I'm tired of wanting things to change
I'm tired of feeling the way I do when they don't

I'm tired of wanting more
I'm tired of hoping, wishing it were different
I'm tired of the voice telling me I can't
I'm tired of always giving in to that sub conscience

I'm tired of never always being happy
I'm tired of feeling as if its not worth it
I'm tired of the overwhelming, consuming bouts of sadness
I'm tired of waiting for things to change
I'm tired of waiting for it all to end
I'm tired

Deciphering this existence

I have thought, and I hope I'm not alone in this, What is the point? Yes the repetitive age old question, what is really the meaning of this existence really. I've noted how of course we naturally tend to think this when things are going wrong. Its during these moments, not always though, we second guess life. I've always thought it sucks how its something we have absolutely no control over. Not getting to decide whether you you actually want to be part of this big, confusing, competitive place we call our home. Home to roughly 6 to 7 billion other individuals. We are ALOT. It can be overwhelming.

At the end of it, will it really matter whether you were here or not. This is of course interpreted differently by those with different religious views. Not being a very religious person myself, I do tend to sometimes question where all this is going. I find my self at an odds when I simply can not make sense of it. At the end of the day, the truth is no one knows for sure. For those who believe in deities, they have their faith. Again, I'm not stating I'm an atheist or non-believer but my faith tends to waver in comparison to the devoted worshipers. I do believe in a higher power, God, and I do believe he does protect us. I just don't understand eternal life after our life on earth. It is perplexing to me how we are set to live our life on earth in accordance to or in anticipation of a life after this. How what we do in this life, we shall pay for it in our afterlife, be it good or bad. This makes me think that people hold back or live with reservation as they are trying to ensure a pleasant afterlife. That's not how one should live life, but then again, these are probably guidelines for us on how to live a righteous life.

I feel that religion tends to have its extremists. Just as any other ideology. I find it interesting how each is different and how some condemn others. In the case of extremists, condemnation tends to be more server. This is the stark dissimilarity within religion. It can be seen as a guide and fortitude for those who suffer or it can be the cause of so much suffering. I on the one hand have my reservations. I am not a devoted worshiper but I do believe in His presence.  I don not attend service religiously but i do, though occasionally, have conversations with Him. I wonder what awaits me, all of us, after this life has passed and if one day we'll actually come to understand the meaning of it all.

3 am...

Yes I have been overwhelmed with a bout of insomnia. The lack of sleep attributed to who knows what. And I am now using this opportunity to finally blog. ( yay!) SMH...I still need to figure out how this whole thing (blogging) works as I still have no idea how to follow other bloggers. Bleh...

It is a new year and God knows I have tried every year to keep my resolutions. Seeing as this year I have none, that wont be much of a challenge. I find that new years resolutions are not the best way to usher in change as change needs to be gradual. It happens over time. Its not a situation where you think "oh its a new year so as of today, January 1st, I'm totally going to change a certain habit which I've had for years". Speaking of change, I feel like one phase of my life has ended. That's four years of uni done. Finally I get to be a graduate. Which is exciting yet daunting all at once. Excited at the prospect of finally entering the work force, I must say I will miss the student carefree days. I'll miss the books as well as studying even though during the four years of study there were nights I felt like burning my books. 

Its all about change and i'm seeing everyone around me grow up, graduate, get married and oh yeah have kids. I always thought I was totally okay with it all, but sometimes I feel like I want more change in my own life. There are honestly times I feel so bored with my life and the events in it. I really wanted this year to be different in so many ways. It seems as if I'v been stuck in one place. I mean that figuratively. That i know makes no sense since that's not the case but it feels that way. I guess that's because the years that passed were not what I had expected them to be. 

Anyhow, I am trying to have a positive outlook on the the year ahead and hopefully it will be more eventful than the last.  I may have no resolutions for 2013 but I definitely have a mantra, which is to have a positive outlook and try to see everything in a positive light. I mean life is what we make it right. The perfect year for me would be, dating the guy I obsess over and getting a position for my internship close to home. That would be perfect, but since life never gives you "perfect" I am psychologically prepared for whatever comes my way. whatever that may be. What I do know is that I will focus all my effort on working through the year to get this internship done and applying for uni the following year.Its so important to me to study next year. I want the away from home experience which I missed out on. Not only that but I really want to travel. I want to explore, and exploit the fact that I'm young and can still get away with so much. 

And that is a wrap up of what I want for the year I guess. The year has barely stared and I feel like its dragging. bleh, I need to get more proactive and stop being so damn lazy. My worst enemy by far. I really need to sleep...