I lay awake, hoping, dreaming
Dreaming of better days to come
Dreaming of being happier than I am
Pondering...what could have been
what lies ahead
A fleeting thought which could one day become my reality
Finding myself waiting....
Waiting for the day I wake up, waiting for the day I can begin living
Refusing to accept what is and never losing faith
Shrouded by doubts, plagued by insecurity
Letting go of my inhibitions
abandoning the negativity I have carried around forever
A heavy burden, now a weight lifted.
Knowing that this is not the end but simply the beginning
having all the power to initiate a new beautiful beginning
Wanting more out of life
Driven by the hunger to succeed
All the pain and suffering now inconsequential
As I now embark on this journey of self fulfillment
I lay awake...hoping...dreaming.
Thursday, 11 April 2013
Wednesday, 27 March 2013
Black Beauty
Ah, today I'd like to blab about one of the many issues we all deal with in life. This for me is a slightly sensitive matter. Yes, looks. I think this affects girls a little more than it does guys. We are pressured to look a certain way, mainly by society. If you don't fit the the "cookie cutter" definition of what the media has idealized beauty to be, then your not considered beautiful or you feel "ugly". Now, for me personally, I only really began being aware of my appearance in about 7th or 8th grade. I would receive one or two comments on my ridiculously dark skin, but it never really got to me. Once I reached high school it got so much worse. That is what diminished whatever sliver of self-confidence I might have had. This being the reason I went through basically the whole of high school feeling really unattractive. I went through this stage where I tried skin lightning creams and foundations which were two shades lighter than my actual skin tone. Looking back on it now, I can laugh about it. I will admit that I do feel self conscience from time to time and that unattractive feeling rears its ugly head occasionally, but I can proudly say I've come a long way since my high school days.
It took me a while but I have learned that there is no one definition of beauty. It exists in so many forms. They always say that you should learn to love yourself, learn to appreciate yourself for who you are. No one told me that that is much easier said than done. That it's a process which takes time. Its takes even longer if you have other individuals placing seeds of doubt in your mind. It took me so long to feel comfortable in my own skin, to feel comfortable being me, and appreciating who I am. I learned to love what I can not change, and its not that I love it because I can not change it, I love it because its what God intended. I'm not too sure if that makes sense. One of the most important lessons learnt is that not everything is about appearance. I really do find it frustrating how the media stereotype beauty though. When it comes to this topic one needs to think out of the box and explore all possible avenues. The black girl with an Afro should be just as beautiful as the white girl with long blond hair. I think no matter how much we voice our opinions, its is hard to break the mold in which our media portrays beauty. This is one of the reasons why I really appreciate what Tyra Banks is trying to convey. She wants the media to understand that beauty has so many facets and is not just one dimensional. At the end of the day, we all have our own idea of what beauty is. This is fine, but one should not have the right to treat others with condescension because that individual does not fit their ideal of what beauty is. As for me, I'm some what happier now than I was in high school. I feel I'm much wiser and refuse to allow anyone to put me in the position I was then. There is simply no way I can go back to that. I am so much wiser. Learn to love and appreciate yourself. It may take time, but its definitely worth it.
It took me a while but I have learned that there is no one definition of beauty. It exists in so many forms. They always say that you should learn to love yourself, learn to appreciate yourself for who you are. No one told me that that is much easier said than done. That it's a process which takes time. Its takes even longer if you have other individuals placing seeds of doubt in your mind. It took me so long to feel comfortable in my own skin, to feel comfortable being me, and appreciating who I am. I learned to love what I can not change, and its not that I love it because I can not change it, I love it because its what God intended. I'm not too sure if that makes sense. One of the most important lessons learnt is that not everything is about appearance. I really do find it frustrating how the media stereotype beauty though. When it comes to this topic one needs to think out of the box and explore all possible avenues. The black girl with an Afro should be just as beautiful as the white girl with long blond hair. I think no matter how much we voice our opinions, its is hard to break the mold in which our media portrays beauty. This is one of the reasons why I really appreciate what Tyra Banks is trying to convey. She wants the media to understand that beauty has so many facets and is not just one dimensional. At the end of the day, we all have our own idea of what beauty is. This is fine, but one should not have the right to treat others with condescension because that individual does not fit their ideal of what beauty is. As for me, I'm some what happier now than I was in high school. I feel I'm much wiser and refuse to allow anyone to put me in the position I was then. There is simply no way I can go back to that. I am so much wiser. Learn to love and appreciate yourself. It may take time, but its definitely worth it.
Wednesday, 27 February 2013
Is this it?
I find myself asking this question more often than usual. I'm not sure if its because I feel like I have not accomplished enough, or I am not being challenged enough. It bothers me how life can be quite...predictable. Today I found myself thinking that life tends to be so mundane at times, a constant repetitive cycle.
Its a constant struggle not to slip into the state of non-nonchalance.Figuratively speaking I feel like I'm standing still while everyone walks by me. Its not that I'm not accomplishing what I want, its just that things are not happening the way I want them to. If I were to imagine the way my life would be like four years ago now, this would not be what I imagine. I want more. I feel sometimes I'm not completely happy with my decisions. This year being a constant reminder of that. It simply re-enforces the ideas of what could have been. What could my life be like if I had done this instead of that. I find myself feeling unappreciated sometimes.
It really is a constant struggle not to slip into this state of depression. As much as I want things to change, I feel as though I have no power over bringing about the change. This ultimately is what tends to tarnish my self confidence as well as contributes to the slight depression I may feel at times. We always try to reach our goals and make sure we are happy with our decisions, but it seems like the world is not going to have it easy on us. Its not easy when your constantly comparing yourself to others. I'm not sure about everyone else but that, I think is one of my major problems.
Okay enough with the negativity. My new mantra for the year, and I guess for life in general, is to radiate positivity. I refuse to let certain situations get me down. Its up to me to ensure that I maintain a positive attitude as that is the only way I'll get through these situations. I feel like a positive state of mind can get you through almost any situation.So whatever it is you are going through, look for the silver lining and focus on that instead. Do not let one single bad experience be your downfall. Life I guess is full of them and letting them get to you means you wont be able to navigate your way through the dangerous unknown territory we call life. Okay, maybe not so dangerous, but sometimes it does feel like the unknown. With that I sign off.
Its a constant struggle not to slip into the state of non-nonchalance.Figuratively speaking I feel like I'm standing still while everyone walks by me. Its not that I'm not accomplishing what I want, its just that things are not happening the way I want them to. If I were to imagine the way my life would be like four years ago now, this would not be what I imagine. I want more. I feel sometimes I'm not completely happy with my decisions. This year being a constant reminder of that. It simply re-enforces the ideas of what could have been. What could my life be like if I had done this instead of that. I find myself feeling unappreciated sometimes.
It really is a constant struggle not to slip into this state of depression. As much as I want things to change, I feel as though I have no power over bringing about the change. This ultimately is what tends to tarnish my self confidence as well as contributes to the slight depression I may feel at times. We always try to reach our goals and make sure we are happy with our decisions, but it seems like the world is not going to have it easy on us. Its not easy when your constantly comparing yourself to others. I'm not sure about everyone else but that, I think is one of my major problems.
Okay enough with the negativity. My new mantra for the year, and I guess for life in general, is to radiate positivity. I refuse to let certain situations get me down. Its up to me to ensure that I maintain a positive attitude as that is the only way I'll get through these situations. I feel like a positive state of mind can get you through almost any situation.So whatever it is you are going through, look for the silver lining and focus on that instead. Do not let one single bad experience be your downfall. Life I guess is full of them and letting them get to you means you wont be able to navigate your way through the dangerous unknown territory we call life. Okay, maybe not so dangerous, but sometimes it does feel like the unknown. With that I sign off.
Tuesday, 26 February 2013
Who I was,Who I am, Who I want to be
She finds herself waiting, hoping. Relentlessly searching, searching for that one moment that will not only define her, but change her. It is within this moment she'll discover that there are so many facets to her existence. There a million and one dreams that have not been dreamt and a million and one opportunities waiting to be conquered. She contemplates and imagines Her thoughts drift to who she was, who she is and who she has become. A journey led so far by fear, love and determination. An overwhelming cascade of emotions that are now second nature to who she currently is.
Her aspirations, her downfalls. Her trials and her tribulations are a part of who she is. Fear and doubt make up part of who she was. Masked by a facade of happiness, lies broken dreams and missed opportunities. Misjudgments and misunderstandings. Time and time again she blamed herself for what she had become, of who she was. There was constant ambivelance as to who she wanted to be and who she was expected to be. It never occurred to her that she had the prerogative to always be who she wanted and not what was expected.
She now faces all aspects of life with a brand new outlook. A simple change in her perception, changes her entire outlook on life. No longer is she blind to the opportunities that await her. She now has the courage to pursue her ambitions. Fully aware that patience and determination will see her through, she embarks not only on a journey of self-fulfillment, but a journey of self discovery and true happiness.
Her aspirations, her downfalls. Her trials and her tribulations are a part of who she is. Fear and doubt make up part of who she was. Masked by a facade of happiness, lies broken dreams and missed opportunities. Misjudgments and misunderstandings. Time and time again she blamed herself for what she had become, of who she was. There was constant ambivelance as to who she wanted to be and who she was expected to be. It never occurred to her that she had the prerogative to always be who she wanted and not what was expected.
She now faces all aspects of life with a brand new outlook. A simple change in her perception, changes her entire outlook on life. No longer is she blind to the opportunities that await her. She now has the courage to pursue her ambitions. Fully aware that patience and determination will see her through, she embarks not only on a journey of self-fulfillment, but a journey of self discovery and true happiness.
Wednesday, 13 February 2013
Tired
I'm tired of feeling as I do
I'm tired of never feeling good enough
I'm tired of not feeling beautiful
I'm tired of being judged, by those who don't even know me
I'm tired of not getting what I want
I'm tired of my insecurities
I'm tired of constantly having to try so hard
Trying so hard to fit in, to belong.
I'm tired.
I'm tired of pretending I'm fine when I want to cry
I'm tired of feeling sad for no reason
I'm tired of wanting things to change
I'm tired of feeling the way I do when they don't
I'm tired of wanting more
I'm tired of hoping, wishing it were different
I'm tired of the voice telling me I can't
I'm tired of always giving in to that sub conscience
I'm tired of never always being happy
I'm tired of feeling as if its not worth it
I'm tired of the overwhelming, consuming bouts of sadness
I'm tired of waiting for things to change
I'm tired of waiting for it all to end
I'm tired
I'm tired of feeling as I do
I'm tired of never feeling good enough
I'm tired of not feeling beautiful
I'm tired of being judged, by those who don't even know me
I'm tired of not getting what I want
I'm tired of my insecurities
I'm tired of constantly having to try so hard
Trying so hard to fit in, to belong.
I'm tired.
I'm tired of pretending I'm fine when I want to cry
I'm tired of feeling sad for no reason
I'm tired of wanting things to change
I'm tired of feeling the way I do when they don't
I'm tired of wanting more
I'm tired of hoping, wishing it were different
I'm tired of the voice telling me I can't
I'm tired of always giving in to that sub conscience
I'm tired of never always being happy
I'm tired of feeling as if its not worth it
I'm tired of the overwhelming, consuming bouts of sadness
I'm tired of waiting for things to change
I'm tired of waiting for it all to end
I'm tired
Tuesday, 29 January 2013
Deciphering this existence
I have thought, and I hope I'm not alone in this, What is the point? Yes the repetitive age old question, what is really the meaning of this existence really. I've noted how of course we naturally tend to think this when things are going wrong. Its during these moments, not always though, we second guess life. I've always thought it sucks how its something we have absolutely no control over. Not getting to decide whether you you actually want to be part of this big, confusing, competitive place we call our home. Home to roughly 6 to 7 billion other individuals. We are ALOT. It can be overwhelming.
At the end of it, will it really matter whether you were here or not. This is of course interpreted differently by those with different religious views. Not being a very religious person myself, I do tend to sometimes question where all this is going. I find my self at an odds when I simply can not make sense of it. At the end of the day, the truth is no one knows for sure. For those who believe in deities, they have their faith. Again, I'm not stating I'm an atheist or non-believer but my faith tends to waver in comparison to the devoted worshipers. I do believe in a higher power, God, and I do believe he does protect us. I just don't understand eternal life after our life on earth. It is perplexing to me how we are set to live our life on earth in accordance to or in anticipation of a life after this. How what we do in this life, we shall pay for it in our afterlife, be it good or bad. This makes me think that people hold back or live with reservation as they are trying to ensure a pleasant afterlife. That's not how one should live life, but then again, these are probably guidelines for us on how to live a righteous life.
I feel that religion tends to have its extremists. Just as any other ideology. I find it interesting how each is different and how some condemn others. In the case of extremists, condemnation tends to be more server. This is the stark dissimilarity within religion. It can be seen as a guide and fortitude for those who suffer or it can be the cause of so much suffering. I on the one hand have my reservations. I am not a devoted worshiper but I do believe in His presence. I don not attend service religiously but i do, though occasionally, have conversations with Him. I wonder what awaits me, all of us, after this life has passed and if one day we'll actually come to understand the meaning of it all.
At the end of it, will it really matter whether you were here or not. This is of course interpreted differently by those with different religious views. Not being a very religious person myself, I do tend to sometimes question where all this is going. I find my self at an odds when I simply can not make sense of it. At the end of the day, the truth is no one knows for sure. For those who believe in deities, they have their faith. Again, I'm not stating I'm an atheist or non-believer but my faith tends to waver in comparison to the devoted worshipers. I do believe in a higher power, God, and I do believe he does protect us. I just don't understand eternal life after our life on earth. It is perplexing to me how we are set to live our life on earth in accordance to or in anticipation of a life after this. How what we do in this life, we shall pay for it in our afterlife, be it good or bad. This makes me think that people hold back or live with reservation as they are trying to ensure a pleasant afterlife. That's not how one should live life, but then again, these are probably guidelines for us on how to live a righteous life.
I feel that religion tends to have its extremists. Just as any other ideology. I find it interesting how each is different and how some condemn others. In the case of extremists, condemnation tends to be more server. This is the stark dissimilarity within religion. It can be seen as a guide and fortitude for those who suffer or it can be the cause of so much suffering. I on the one hand have my reservations. I am not a devoted worshiper but I do believe in His presence. I don not attend service religiously but i do, though occasionally, have conversations with Him. I wonder what awaits me, all of us, after this life has passed and if one day we'll actually come to understand the meaning of it all.
Sunday, 20 January 2013
3 am...
Yes I have been overwhelmed with a bout of insomnia. The lack of sleep attributed to who knows what. And I am now using this opportunity to finally blog. ( yay!) SMH...I still need to figure out how this whole thing (blogging) works as I still have no idea how to follow other bloggers. Bleh...
It is a new year and God knows I have tried every year to keep my resolutions. Seeing as this year I have none, that wont be much of a challenge. I find that new years resolutions are not the best way to usher in change as change needs to be gradual. It happens over time. Its not a situation where you think "oh its a new year so as of today, January 1st, I'm totally going to change a certain habit which I've had for years". Speaking of change, I feel like one phase of my life has ended. That's four years of uni done. Finally I get to be a graduate. Which is exciting yet daunting all at once. Excited at the prospect of finally entering the work force, I must say I will miss the student carefree days. I'll miss the books as well as studying even though during the four years of study there were nights I felt like burning my books.
Its all about change and i'm seeing everyone around me grow up, graduate, get married and oh yeah have kids. I always thought I was totally okay with it all, but sometimes I feel like I want more change in my own life. There are honestly times I feel so bored with my life and the events in it. I really wanted this year to be different in so many ways. It seems as if I'v been stuck in one place. I mean that figuratively. That i know makes no sense since that's not the case but it feels that way. I guess that's because the years that passed were not what I had expected them to be.
Anyhow, I am trying to have a positive outlook on the the year ahead and hopefully it will be more eventful than the last. I may have no resolutions for 2013 but I definitely have a mantra, which is to have a positive outlook and try to see everything in a positive light. I mean life is what we make it right. The perfect year for me would be, dating the guy I obsess over and getting a position for my internship close to home. That would be perfect, but since life never gives you "perfect" I am psychologically prepared for whatever comes my way. whatever that may be. What I do know is that I will focus all my effort on working through the year to get this internship done and applying for uni the following year.Its so important to me to study next year. I want the away from home experience which I missed out on. Not only that but I really want to travel. I want to explore, and exploit the fact that I'm young and can still get away with so much.
And that is a wrap up of what I want for the year I guess. The year has barely stared and I feel like its dragging. bleh, I need to get more proactive and stop being so damn lazy. My worst enemy by far. I really need to sleep...
Yes I have been overwhelmed with a bout of insomnia. The lack of sleep attributed to who knows what. And I am now using this opportunity to finally blog. ( yay!) SMH...I still need to figure out how this whole thing (blogging) works as I still have no idea how to follow other bloggers. Bleh...
It is a new year and God knows I have tried every year to keep my resolutions. Seeing as this year I have none, that wont be much of a challenge. I find that new years resolutions are not the best way to usher in change as change needs to be gradual. It happens over time. Its not a situation where you think "oh its a new year so as of today, January 1st, I'm totally going to change a certain habit which I've had for years". Speaking of change, I feel like one phase of my life has ended. That's four years of uni done. Finally I get to be a graduate. Which is exciting yet daunting all at once. Excited at the prospect of finally entering the work force, I must say I will miss the student carefree days. I'll miss the books as well as studying even though during the four years of study there were nights I felt like burning my books.
Its all about change and i'm seeing everyone around me grow up, graduate, get married and oh yeah have kids. I always thought I was totally okay with it all, but sometimes I feel like I want more change in my own life. There are honestly times I feel so bored with my life and the events in it. I really wanted this year to be different in so many ways. It seems as if I'v been stuck in one place. I mean that figuratively. That i know makes no sense since that's not the case but it feels that way. I guess that's because the years that passed were not what I had expected them to be.
Anyhow, I am trying to have a positive outlook on the the year ahead and hopefully it will be more eventful than the last. I may have no resolutions for 2013 but I definitely have a mantra, which is to have a positive outlook and try to see everything in a positive light. I mean life is what we make it right. The perfect year for me would be, dating the guy I obsess over and getting a position for my internship close to home. That would be perfect, but since life never gives you "perfect" I am psychologically prepared for whatever comes my way. whatever that may be. What I do know is that I will focus all my effort on working through the year to get this internship done and applying for uni the following year.Its so important to me to study next year. I want the away from home experience which I missed out on. Not only that but I really want to travel. I want to explore, and exploit the fact that I'm young and can still get away with so much.
And that is a wrap up of what I want for the year I guess. The year has barely stared and I feel like its dragging. bleh, I need to get more proactive and stop being so damn lazy. My worst enemy by far. I really need to sleep...
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