Dark skin is a trend?

So this just occurred to me, its now trendy to be a dark skinned black woman. A feature I grew up loathing (and later learned to love of course) is now admired and swooned over. Its funny how society has all these trends. Don't get me wrong, I am very appreciative of this new found love for darker-toned women, I'm just in awe of how perceptions change in our society and how one thing catches on and everyone follows suite. One thing I am loving however is all the love and appreciation dark skinned women are receiving. This is so much bigger than just loving the skin you're in, it extends to a shift in what is portrayed as beautiful.

The fact that a darker skinned models can be cast in a photo shoot or music video to finally represent us, women who are much more melanated than the average. This is when you realize how much representation matters. I don't know how many times I have thought to myself that I wish I had seen this growing up. I grew up in the era of "light skin is beautiful and dark skin is ugly." The media simply perpetuated the feelings of self hate I had and further instilled the notion that something was wrong with me because I was so dark. The constant hate and wanting to be lighter  really wears down on your self esteem. I am so glad younger girls of today at least have the opportunity to love themselves and feel appreciated. I find peace in knowing that if I had a little girl she would grow up feeling included and beautiful.

I went from being teased about my complexion to being complemented on it. I feel now I am in a place where I am entirely comfortable with my skin tone and it has taken me years to get to this point. One thing that has definitely helped is the gorgeous melanated women in the social media spotlight such as Nikki Perkins (A major influence over the way I feel in my skin) and Khoudia diop to name a few. These are women who have broken the age old stereotype of having to be light skinned to be beautiful. I admired the confidence they carried and the message that came with it. The message that this shade is just as beautiful as the next. It definitely redefined my perception of beauty. I doubt this is a trend that will simply pass by, it may fizzle down a little as people become more conscience and aware of dark skinned beauty.

This is a trend it seems I have waited for my whole life. Its about damn time we dark skinned women are celebrated, its been far too long! I am so proud and now do not want to be a single shade lighter as I am comfortable in my skin and most importantly have accepted who I am.

Healing

Underneath the moon and stars I stir gathering broken pieces. They told me broken hearts heal in time, but no one told me of broken souls. Of the strength required to re-collect pieces of yourself to simply feel whole. I wept as I stitched myself back together. The moon and stars bared witness as I struggled to find myself in the darkness. As I wept for my innocence and resented myself. As I drowned in my pain and found companionship with my demons. I wish I had been told of how healing comes in waves. How each new wave is stronger than the last. How sometimes the most intricate pieces of your soul drift the furthest. How in the morning once the moon and stars have gone, I have to gather my emotions and begin again at dusk. ~K

2017 Theme: Manifestation

This is very overdue but happy 2017! I am hoping that 2017 is a year of growth, fulfillment and manifestation. This brings me to my resolution, wait....no theme of 2017. To manifest. I first sought to understand the true definition of this word which I thought I understood, but was surprised to find I had misinterpreted.The word manifest is defined as clear or obvious to the naked eye. Synonyms for manifest include; clear, apparent, obvious, palpable, distinct, perceptible, undeniable and recognizable, to name a few. So I was thinking how do I apply this to my life in a more figurative sense?  So, one can manifest in different aspects of their lives whether it be in their personal, professional or spiritual lives.

I looked at these three categories and came up with what I would like to manifest in these three areas of my life, Firstly I would like every aspect of my life to be distinct, obvious or apparent. Gone are the days where I simply muddle through without a clear idea of what it is I would like to achieve. As I continue to evolve as an individual and attain a better sense of  my goals and how to achieve them, I want my growth to manifest. I want it to be apparent that I have grown, if not for anyone then for myself. In terms of my personal life my goal is to be content in who I am, to be happy with my achievements and not undermine myself constantly. I want to grow as an individual by taking necessary pauses to reflect on my mistakes and instead of chastising myself for them, instead think: How can I do better? I feel as though once I am secure and content within myself and this is evident, I will be able to attract a like minded individual as a spouse or life partner. To be able to manifest your confidence and certainty in yourself as an individual is important in various other aspects of life.

In a professional sense I aspire to be good at what I do, be passionate about what I do and simply be happy with what it is I am doing.Without passion there can be no purpose, as without intent we can not manifest. I aspire to work hard, which in of itself sounds so cliche, but I would like to grow as a young professional and simply work to my full potential. At the end of the day its more about your drive and interest in your job rather than how much your earning. With this being said I would like to manifest an intellectual mind and a determined persona, an inquisitive thirst for knowledge and cultivate an urge to strive towards an  indelible career.

Last but not least is spiritual manifestation. This is one aspect I feel needs the most reconstruction, if I can put it that way. My relationship with God and what purpose that serves in my life. I believe He keeps me centered. I have faith in his timing and the plans He has for my life. I intend to be clear in my relationship with Him, to praise Him in times of crisis and in times of joy. I aim to be spiritually centered. I feel as though once you have found that calm in your spiritual life, other aspects of your life stay in tune. Your spiritual life is the center around which everything else evolves.

And so let 2017 be the year of rapid growth, May every goal and aspiration come to manifest, may we find what it is we have been searching for in our personal, professional and spiritual lives. And most importantly may we be happy with the our intent and subsequent consequences of our choices.

Here's to 2017!

Expectations

I have really neglected my blog. Apologies, I've been busy with school and all. I can't believe I am now the holder of a masters degree. It hasn't really sunk in yet. It honestly feels like it was just yesterday I was preparing to travel to the UK and now I'm back and have completed my studies. I guess time really does fly when you're enjoying yourself. Well, I am back and I still feel as though I am trying to figure out which direction I want my life to take. I have always been passionate about health so I strive to make an impact in the global health arena.

Since I've been back I have realised that people have these expectations from you which you are expected to live up to. I have watched most of my high school classmates get engaged, married and have children and I feel people are now expecting me to follow suite in terms of my personal life. I guess it makes sense since I have attained a second degree and the next step would be finding "Mr Right". With my track record, I don't forsee that happening anytime soon. I feel as though I need to figure out where my career is heading and get settled in that aspect of my life first. That's my priority right now.

I in no way feel pressured to find a husband or marry. I don't know why. It just has not bothered me. I actually don't think I'll get married and if I ever do it'll be when I am past the age of 33 most probably.  A part of me, however, does feel broody. I see babies ad I catch myself imagining what one of my own would look like. Little fingers and little toes and a cute little nose. Anyone who knows me knows I have a thing for babies. I absolutely adore them. So much so that I find myself looking at the baby section in shops. It's such a problem yet I can't help it, anything baby related is so stinking cute. It's strange how I drift between not wanting children at all and feeling broody.

Anyway, I am expected to marry and have children in the near future. I'm just not sure this is what I actually want. I've been struggling to feel motivated to do anything at the moment. I do hope that that this feeling soon passes. All in all, I'm beginning to realize that I don't need to live up to anybody's expectations but my own.

Recollect

I haven't posted anything for quite sometime and I have been trying to get myself to blog more. Well it's been an interesting couple of months. I feel as though I have messed up and I'm still trying to fix the wrongs. At this point there is nothing I can do except console myself and vow never to repeat the same mistake. Just as much as things are kind of falling apart, they are coming together.

So today I came across this beautiful blog (which motivated me to get back in the swing of things) which I sat and gushed over for several hours. Filled with beatiful images and lovely stories. I found it so intriguing. I couldn't get over how simple yet captivating it was. Then I got thinking, why don't I blog more too!
Sharing is such a beautiful thing and if you can why not share. Whether it's style tips or life experiences.

I feel as though the next couple of months will be a major turning point in my life. I will be undergoing some major life changes which I am extremely excited about. I can barely wait! I want to take in every moment, not down every experience and just make the most of it.

I think I need to make some major changes internally and sort of gather myself so I can refocus as I feel in the past year I have lost focus, lost sight of what is relevant and necessary for my personal growth and well being.

Here is to the beginning of yet another new journey.

K.

Recollect

I haven't posted anything for quite sometime and I have been trying to get myself to blog more. Well it's been an interesting couple of months. I feel as though I have messed up and I'm still trying to fix the wrongs. At this point there is nothing I can do except console myself and vow never to repeat the same mistake. Just as much as things are kind of falling apart, they are coming together.

So today I came across this beautiful blog (which motivated me to get back in the swing of things) which I sat and gushed over for several hours. Filled with beatiful images and lovely stories. I found it so intriguing. I couldn't get over how simple yet captivating it was. Then I got thinking, why don't I blog more too!
Sharing is such a beautiful thing and if you can why not share. Whether it's style tips or life experiences.

I feel as though the next couple of months will be a major turning point in my life. I will be undergoing some major life changes which I am extremely excited about. I can barely wait! I want to take in every moment, not down every experience and just make the most of it.

I think I need to make some major changes internally and sort of gather myself so I can refocus as I feel in the past year I have lost focus, lost sight of what is relevant and necessary for my personal growth and well being.

Here is to the beginning of yet another new journey.

K.

Recollect

I haven't posted anything for quite sometime and I have been trying to get myself to blog more. Well it's been an interesting couple of months. I feel as though I have messed up and I'm still trying to fix the wrongs. At this point there is nothing I can do except console myself and vow never to repeat the same mistake. Just as much as things are kind of falling apart, they are coming together.

So today I came across this beautiful blog (which motivated me to get back in the swing of things) which I sat and gushed over for several hours. Filled with beatiful images and lovely stories. I found it so intriguing. I couldn't get over how simple yet captivating it was. Then I got thinking, why don't I blog more too!
Sharing is such a beautiful thing and if you can why not share. Whether it's style tips or life experiences.

I feel as though the next couple of months will be a major turning point in my life. I will be undergoing some major life changes which I am extremely excited about. I can barely wait! I want to take in every moment, not down every experience and just make the most of it.

I think I need to make some major changes internally and sort of gather myself so I can refocus as I feel in the past year I have lost focus, lost sight of what is relevant and necessary for my personal growth and well being.

Here is to the beginning of yet another new journey.

K.

Happy

I realized today that there are different levels of happiness and the older you get the more intense it is.
When your young you would be happy about passing your math test or finding the last pair of jeans in your size. These small things,  they still exist and we all have our small moments of happiness but then there are the big things.  These would include finding your life partner among other things. These also include having a baby and watching your children grow up. The major things. Usually it works both ways. Almost as if it's an equation that always needs to be balanced. Life is centered around balance.  This meaning the level of sadness is increased aswell. This is an emotion nobody wants intensified.  When everything goes wrong,  it goes terribly wrong. But when your happy, you pay no attention to what could go wrong sometimes. We forget how vulnerable we really are. That what is there won't always be there, the people we love won't always be there to support us. That thought alone is pretty disheartening.  We all know nothing lasts forever but as humans we try by all means to ignore this fact. That's why I think you should embrace every moment of happiness.  Whether it's something small or major. Revel in it for it may not last long. This is the main aim in life, to be happy. So take a moment and soak it all in. No matter how insignificant it may seem.

Grudges, Sanity and Resentment.

It's interesting how they say one should not hold  grudge.s Let it go...let it be.
And I thought it was easy...to simply let go. No anger....no hard feelings.  But it honestly takes a lot to actually completely let something go and just be
.
Firstly there is so much anger. So much of it, you don’t know what to do with. If only one could give it out, distribute it amongst friends or family...so that it's less intense. Because I have quickly learned, if you don't do anything to relieve yourself of all that anger it will consume you. Make you bitter and ofcourse you only end up hurting yourself. Nobody else.  Hence the saying "anger is similiar to taking poison and expecting the other person to die."

I'm not sure what to do. Trying to let it go but I am angry. So mad. I need an outlet for my anger. Otherwise I feel I will go insane. It's something that will take time...but with time it will pass. Life will go on. But I will let it go. I have to. It's definitely not worth being consumed over. Not for anyone.

Secondly, hurt. Too hurt to forgive and move on. It takes a very strong person to whole heartedly forgive someone who has hurt them. To forgive is to be the bigger person. The better person. It retains your sanity because I feel like I'm losing my mind. Slowly but surely. 

2013 in Review

I can't believe the year is done. It feels as if it just flew by. The year went a little differently than I had expected it to. I am just glad there are only two months left of this internship. I am looking forward to moving on to better things.

Looking back there isn't anything I have done that I regret in the past year. There have been instances where I have doubted myself, but there is nothing I would take back. I am however a little undecided as to whether the year was an eventful one or not. I had to say goodbye to two members of my family this year in a span of about a month. I think all in all this year had it's ups and downs. An up was graduating. I think that's the only major thing this year that I was really looking forward to.

I have so many plans for 2014. I am so set on accomplishing them. I mean there are days where I am so sure of who I am and what I want and other days it's like I have no fucking clue of what it is I actually want.
All I do know is that I am not at the point in my life where I am completely happy. I still feel as though something is lacking. I would love to always be sure of myself and not feel insecure or as if I have no idea of what I'm doing. There are honestly some days when I'm just tired or feel sad for no reason. which makes no sense to me at all.

I'm looking forward to the new year and what it has to offer. 2014 here I come!!!

Dark skinned Goddess

This quite literally just made my day. The fact that Manuela Madong as dark and as beautiful as she is made it to the top 10 of the Miss World beauty pageant. Just goes to show that the general perception of beauty is changing. One does not necessarily have to be light skinned to be beautiful. She is simply gorgeous.

Acceptance and inner peace.

I sometimes struggle to find that inner peace. That feeling of content one has with their life. It does not come easy. We struggle sometimes to accept who we are or who we have become. For me it feels like a vicious cycle. Just when I have my feet firmly on the ground and I feel everything is okay, suddenly it feels like the ground beneath me gives way….a constant struggle….a vicious cycle….round and round.

Falling down

I am humbled, experience has taught me so much. it truly has been the best teacher. We make mistakes so we can learn from them. From that we grow, mature to eventually become who we are, who we are supposed to be. I would not take back the negative experiences I have had in my life for they are the foundation, the building blocks that make up who I am today. Every tear shed, and every moment wasted was worth it. It sounds strange to say. It definitely did not seem that way then, but now I understand it. It finally makes sense.

Saw this and thought it was beautiful :)

I want to be the one

I want to be the one who makes your heart skip a beat

I want to be the one who makes you anxious when we meet

I want to be the one you would kiss in the rain

I want to be the one you would hold through the pain

  

I want to be the one who makes you smile

I want to be the one for whom you would go that extra mile

I want to be the one you’re afraid to lose

I want to be the one you would always choose

I want to be the one you tell every secret to

I want you to be the one I can confide in too

I want you to be the one I share my life with

I want to be the one who gives you strength

I want you to be the one I can count on when things go wrong

I want you to be the one who won’t let me cry for too long

I want to be the one with whom you would always want to be

I want you to always love me

xoxo

Perceptions

I am everything and yet I am nothing. I can't be defined, I exist in too many forms to be distinctly defined.
I am what you want me to be, my existence is solely dependent on your perceptions. You define me.
You and no one else is my creator.

There are two aspects to my existence. I can exist only on the surface, a shallow form where nothing runs deeper, there is no substance. Or there can be a deeper version of myself, one that has so many dimensions, is so much more meaningful, valuable.

They say I can be the cause of vanity but I feel I contribute more to the lack of self confidence and misery in some. Many have tried to define me, to categorize me, delineate me. They are foolish, they don't understand that I cant be delimited. Like I said, I can never be defined for I exist in too many forms. There are so many versions of myself, but they have tried and I have watched them try.

They seem to think that if one does not fit the criteria they have outlined, what they have defined me to be, then they surely can't be me.

Well, I am here to tell you that they are wrong. I am whatever you choose. I exist only in your eyes. You need to remember that I am relative. I am here, I am not there. I am nowhere and yet I am everywhere.  I want you to know that you are me in the very many different versions in which I exist.

I admit that I do not dwell in perfection, but rather am the epitome of imperfection. When they defined me, they defined me as perfection. That is not me, that will never be me.

Sincerely yours
Beauty.

Update

Hey there:)

Been a while I know, I've been busy. Work is going well and I'm doing pretty okay, I think....
I am excited however that I am about a third through my internship. The best part is that I have a plan for next year and now have an idea of what I want to study *phew*. I was stressed about that as I felt I had no sense of direction and felt pretty much naive. Feels great to have a sense of direction again.

So my plan is to apply for uni next year but I''ll apply for a job and work a couple of months next year too.  Hopefully I can save up to lighten the financial load on my parents. For the past couple of months I was feeling off. I think that had to do with graduating and finishing uni. The idea that one chapter of your life has ended and that its time for something new. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for new experiences but this year started off on a bad note due to my grandmother and Brian passing away. I feel I am finally at a point where I am at peace and I've accepted it for what it is. I mean I had to right? No matter how sad the passing of a loved one is, you cant be stuck in that rut forever. You need to put yourself together and eventually move on, which is what i am trying to do.

The exciting news so far is being an aunt, since my lovely cousin ha decided to bring forth new life into this world. I am looking forward to the arrival of the little one. I love babies. As for any other aspect of my life....boring. what I expected to happen in terms of romantic affairs never came to be so i have reconciled and willed myself to just get over it and move on. Apart from Him, I don not see any other hopeful prospect. I think I really need to meet new people. I feel like I am not social enough and spend way too many weekends at home for someone my age. Just the other day I was thinking that I might actually not get married. That seems like such a far fetched idea to me right now. Really weird when I know about three or so friends and classmates of mine who are married or engaged. Some of them have kids. Don't get me wrong I would love to be a mom some day but not anytime soon. I need at least another six to ten years to sort myself out first. There is no way I would be able to deal with a baby right now anyway.

Okay what else is there to blab about..lol uhm, okay so I am psyched for next year and I am preparing, extra early, for the board exams. I will kick ass. I really cant wait to finish this internship. They say good thing come to those who wait and life has a way of working itself out. I sure hope that is true. And with that I sign out.

I'ts a matter of time...

I hate how those around you have the power to belittle you, make you feel less than you are. I hate how they tend to emphasize your imperfections, feeding your insecurities. The more its fed, the bigger it becomes. the bigger it becomes, the harder it is to manage. 

I hate how you can feel as if your never good enough and that no one understands you. I hate how you sometimes try but things don't work out the way you want. Everyone is entitled to a happy ending. Everyone. 

I refuse to allow it. I refuse to allow anyone to make me feel less than I am, to make me unhappy. I know my capabilities, my strengths, my weaknesses. You can take and take, but you can never strip me of my happiness. I am in charge of that, the decision is and always has been mine. I may be unhappy now, but things will definitely change. I guarantee you that. Its only a matter of time. 

Passing by

Today I learned that my cousin passed away. He was nineteen. It still has not completely sunk in yet. I feel numb. Its this sort of feeling where you don't even want to feel anything and everything seems pointless. He was way too young. They say that life is short, and when your time comes you should not question it...that its Gods plan.  I don't think it was in his plan to leave a family grieving. I don't know, I feel like I am at a loss for words. Life is funny, its funny how you can be with someone one day and their gone the next. Its saddening to think he still had his whole life ahead of him. He could have done so much but I guess God had other plans. \

This is the second death in the family this year after my grandmother passed last month. I think there is something wrong with me as I did not shed tears for my grandmother. I think that might have been because she had lived her life, as she was eighty-five, and in a way you saw it coming. she was elderly so at the back of your mind you know that she would not be with us much longer. But this...this was completely unexpected. I felt as if I would cry when I first heard but I didn't. I would not allow myself to. I feel I should mourn to get the needed closure. This is the first person, close to my own age, that I have known personally pass away.

I suppose I will cry eventually, as I do and will miss him. He was a great person to talk to and be around. I don't think I can even explain how much I will miss him.

This blog post is dedicated to you. I want you to know that you will be greatly missed by us all. You may have left us physically but you will be in our hearts. I will miss your funny jokes and your quirky ways. I'll miss your sense of humor, how you could always make me laugh. I still cant believe that your gone. Until we meet again...

R.I.P

Better Days

There are days when it’s difficult to make sense of anything. Feeling as though the world will collapse around you. Misery, desperation and despair are eminent. You become obliviously indulgent in mounds of emotion. Negativity becomes your companion; loneliness your fear. Desolation surrounds you, falling like a veil that can not be lifted.

These are the days when you struggle. Nothing seems as simple as yesterday or as hopeful as tomorrow. Smiling even though you’re dying on the inside. Wondering, hoping, and praying….for that better day, when everything made sense. When smiling at a complete stranger was the easiest thing in the world. And you never had to worry about the lesser days. You knew they were coming, but somehow at that point in time it never bothered you…because you are so caught up in this state of unadulterated bliss….this joy, that’s almost indescribable. Every thing and everyone around seems so much more vibrant, beautiful, enthusiastic appreciative of life and all that it has to offer.

Although you don’t realize it, these complicated days will come to pass. Moving on, realizing where you want to be; how you’re going to get there. Making that decision….this will not be the state of your life, neither will it define you. It will see you to these better days. You rid yourself of the shackles that bound you to the helplessness. You rise above the despair that suppressed you for what seems like an eternity. You learn to believe in yourself, your capabilities. See things in a new light, open your eyes….and then you’ll see, the bliss that once was; the appreciation, love, beauty…..LIFE