Falling down

I am humbled, experience has taught me so much. it truly has been the best teacher. We make mistakes so we can learn from them. From that we grow, mature to eventually become who we are, who we are supposed to be. I would not take back the negative experiences I have had in my life for they are the foundation, the building blocks that make up who I am today. Every tear shed, and every moment wasted was worth it. It sounds strange to say. It definitely did not seem that way then, but now I understand it. It finally makes sense.

Saw this and thought it was beautiful :)

I want to be the one

I want to be the one who makes your heart skip a beat

I want to be the one who makes you anxious when we meet

I want to be the one you would kiss in the rain

I want to be the one you would hold through the pain

  

I want to be the one who makes you smile

I want to be the one for whom you would go that extra mile

I want to be the one you’re afraid to lose

I want to be the one you would always choose

I want to be the one you tell every secret to

I want you to be the one I can confide in too

I want you to be the one I share my life with

I want to be the one who gives you strength

I want you to be the one I can count on when things go wrong

I want you to be the one who won’t let me cry for too long

I want to be the one with whom you would always want to be

I want you to always love me

xoxo

Perceptions

I am everything and yet I am nothing. I can't be defined, I exist in too many forms to be distinctly defined.
I am what you want me to be, my existence is solely dependent on your perceptions. You define me.
You and no one else is my creator.

There are two aspects to my existence. I can exist only on the surface, a shallow form where nothing runs deeper, there is no substance. Or there can be a deeper version of myself, one that has so many dimensions, is so much more meaningful, valuable.

They say I can be the cause of vanity but I feel I contribute more to the lack of self confidence and misery in some. Many have tried to define me, to categorize me, delineate me. They are foolish, they don't understand that I cant be delimited. Like I said, I can never be defined for I exist in too many forms. There are so many versions of myself, but they have tried and I have watched them try.

They seem to think that if one does not fit the criteria they have outlined, what they have defined me to be, then they surely can't be me.

Well, I am here to tell you that they are wrong. I am whatever you choose. I exist only in your eyes. You need to remember that I am relative. I am here, I am not there. I am nowhere and yet I am everywhere.  I want you to know that you are me in the very many different versions in which I exist.

I admit that I do not dwell in perfection, but rather am the epitome of imperfection. When they defined me, they defined me as perfection. That is not me, that will never be me.

Sincerely yours
Beauty.

Update

Hey there:)

Been a while I know, I've been busy. Work is going well and I'm doing pretty okay, I think....
I am excited however that I am about a third through my internship. The best part is that I have a plan for next year and now have an idea of what I want to study *phew*. I was stressed about that as I felt I had no sense of direction and felt pretty much naive. Feels great to have a sense of direction again.

So my plan is to apply for uni next year but I''ll apply for a job and work a couple of months next year too.  Hopefully I can save up to lighten the financial load on my parents. For the past couple of months I was feeling off. I think that had to do with graduating and finishing uni. The idea that one chapter of your life has ended and that its time for something new. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for new experiences but this year started off on a bad note due to my grandmother and Brian passing away. I feel I am finally at a point where I am at peace and I've accepted it for what it is. I mean I had to right? No matter how sad the passing of a loved one is, you cant be stuck in that rut forever. You need to put yourself together and eventually move on, which is what i am trying to do.

The exciting news so far is being an aunt, since my lovely cousin ha decided to bring forth new life into this world. I am looking forward to the arrival of the little one. I love babies. As for any other aspect of my life....boring. what I expected to happen in terms of romantic affairs never came to be so i have reconciled and willed myself to just get over it and move on. Apart from Him, I don not see any other hopeful prospect. I think I really need to meet new people. I feel like I am not social enough and spend way too many weekends at home for someone my age. Just the other day I was thinking that I might actually not get married. That seems like such a far fetched idea to me right now. Really weird when I know about three or so friends and classmates of mine who are married or engaged. Some of them have kids. Don't get me wrong I would love to be a mom some day but not anytime soon. I need at least another six to ten years to sort myself out first. There is no way I would be able to deal with a baby right now anyway.

Okay what else is there to blab about..lol uhm, okay so I am psyched for next year and I am preparing, extra early, for the board exams. I will kick ass. I really cant wait to finish this internship. They say good thing come to those who wait and life has a way of working itself out. I sure hope that is true. And with that I sign out.

I'ts a matter of time...

I hate how those around you have the power to belittle you, make you feel less than you are. I hate how they tend to emphasize your imperfections, feeding your insecurities. The more its fed, the bigger it becomes. the bigger it becomes, the harder it is to manage. 

I hate how you can feel as if your never good enough and that no one understands you. I hate how you sometimes try but things don't work out the way you want. Everyone is entitled to a happy ending. Everyone. 

I refuse to allow it. I refuse to allow anyone to make me feel less than I am, to make me unhappy. I know my capabilities, my strengths, my weaknesses. You can take and take, but you can never strip me of my happiness. I am in charge of that, the decision is and always has been mine. I may be unhappy now, but things will definitely change. I guarantee you that. Its only a matter of time. 

Passing by

Today I learned that my cousin passed away. He was nineteen. It still has not completely sunk in yet. I feel numb. Its this sort of feeling where you don't even want to feel anything and everything seems pointless. He was way too young. They say that life is short, and when your time comes you should not question it...that its Gods plan.  I don't think it was in his plan to leave a family grieving. I don't know, I feel like I am at a loss for words. Life is funny, its funny how you can be with someone one day and their gone the next. Its saddening to think he still had his whole life ahead of him. He could have done so much but I guess God had other plans. \

This is the second death in the family this year after my grandmother passed last month. I think there is something wrong with me as I did not shed tears for my grandmother. I think that might have been because she had lived her life, as she was eighty-five, and in a way you saw it coming. she was elderly so at the back of your mind you know that she would not be with us much longer. But this...this was completely unexpected. I felt as if I would cry when I first heard but I didn't. I would not allow myself to. I feel I should mourn to get the needed closure. This is the first person, close to my own age, that I have known personally pass away.

I suppose I will cry eventually, as I do and will miss him. He was a great person to talk to and be around. I don't think I can even explain how much I will miss him.

This blog post is dedicated to you. I want you to know that you will be greatly missed by us all. You may have left us physically but you will be in our hearts. I will miss your funny jokes and your quirky ways. I'll miss your sense of humor, how you could always make me laugh. I still cant believe that your gone. Until we meet again...

R.I.P