I'ts a matter of time...

I hate how those around you have the power to belittle you, make you feel less than you are. I hate how they tend to emphasize your imperfections, feeding your insecurities. The more its fed, the bigger it becomes. the bigger it becomes, the harder it is to manage. 

I hate how you can feel as if your never good enough and that no one understands you. I hate how you sometimes try but things don't work out the way you want. Everyone is entitled to a happy ending. Everyone. 

I refuse to allow it. I refuse to allow anyone to make me feel less than I am, to make me unhappy. I know my capabilities, my strengths, my weaknesses. You can take and take, but you can never strip me of my happiness. I am in charge of that, the decision is and always has been mine. I may be unhappy now, but things will definitely change. I guarantee you that. Its only a matter of time. 

Passing by

Today I learned that my cousin passed away. He was nineteen. It still has not completely sunk in yet. I feel numb. Its this sort of feeling where you don't even want to feel anything and everything seems pointless. He was way too young. They say that life is short, and when your time comes you should not question it...that its Gods plan.  I don't think it was in his plan to leave a family grieving. I don't know, I feel like I am at a loss for words. Life is funny, its funny how you can be with someone one day and their gone the next. Its saddening to think he still had his whole life ahead of him. He could have done so much but I guess God had other plans. \

This is the second death in the family this year after my grandmother passed last month. I think there is something wrong with me as I did not shed tears for my grandmother. I think that might have been because she had lived her life, as she was eighty-five, and in a way you saw it coming. she was elderly so at the back of your mind you know that she would not be with us much longer. But this...this was completely unexpected. I felt as if I would cry when I first heard but I didn't. I would not allow myself to. I feel I should mourn to get the needed closure. This is the first person, close to my own age, that I have known personally pass away.

I suppose I will cry eventually, as I do and will miss him. He was a great person to talk to and be around. I don't think I can even explain how much I will miss him.

This blog post is dedicated to you. I want you to know that you will be greatly missed by us all. You may have left us physically but you will be in our hearts. I will miss your funny jokes and your quirky ways. I'll miss your sense of humor, how you could always make me laugh. I still cant believe that your gone. Until we meet again...

R.I.P

Better Days

There are days when it’s difficult to make sense of anything. Feeling as though the world will collapse around you. Misery, desperation and despair are eminent. You become obliviously indulgent in mounds of emotion. Negativity becomes your companion; loneliness your fear. Desolation surrounds you, falling like a veil that can not be lifted.

These are the days when you struggle. Nothing seems as simple as yesterday or as hopeful as tomorrow. Smiling even though you’re dying on the inside. Wondering, hoping, and praying….for that better day, when everything made sense. When smiling at a complete stranger was the easiest thing in the world. And you never had to worry about the lesser days. You knew they were coming, but somehow at that point in time it never bothered you…because you are so caught up in this state of unadulterated bliss….this joy, that’s almost indescribable. Every thing and everyone around seems so much more vibrant, beautiful, enthusiastic appreciative of life and all that it has to offer.

Although you don’t realize it, these complicated days will come to pass. Moving on, realizing where you want to be; how you’re going to get there. Making that decision….this will not be the state of your life, neither will it define you. It will see you to these better days. You rid yourself of the shackles that bound you to the helplessness. You rise above the despair that suppressed you for what seems like an eternity. You learn to believe in yourself, your capabilities. See things in a new light, open your eyes….and then you’ll see, the bliss that once was; the appreciation, love, beauty…..LIFE

Wreckless Abandon

I lay awake, hoping, dreaming
Dreaming of better days to come
Dreaming of being happier than I am

Pondering...what could have been
what lies ahead
A fleeting thought which could one day become my reality
Finding myself waiting....

Waiting for the day I wake up, waiting for the day I can begin living
Refusing to accept what is and never losing faith
Shrouded by doubts, plagued by insecurity

Letting go of my inhibitions
abandoning the negativity I have carried around forever
A heavy burden, now a weight lifted.

Knowing that this is not the end but simply the beginning
having all the power to initiate a new beautiful beginning
Wanting more out of life
Driven by the hunger to succeed

All the pain and suffering now inconsequential
As I now embark on this journey of self fulfillment
I lay awake...hoping...dreaming.

 

Black Beauty

Ah, today I'd like to blab about one of the many  issues we all deal with in life. This for me is a slightly sensitive matter. Yes, looks. I think this affects girls a little more than it does guys. We are pressured to look a certain way, mainly by society. If you don't fit the the "cookie cutter" definition of what the media has idealized beauty to be, then your not considered beautiful or you feel "ugly". Now, for me personally, I only really began being aware of my appearance in about 7th or 8th grade. I would receive one or two comments on my ridiculously dark skin, but it never really got to me. Once I reached high school it got so much worse. That is what diminished whatever sliver of self-confidence I might have had. This being the reason I went through basically the whole of high school feeling really unattractive.  I went through this stage where I tried skin lightning creams and foundations which were two shades lighter than my actual skin tone. Looking back on it now, I can laugh about it. I will admit that I do feel self conscience from time to time and that unattractive feeling rears its ugly head occasionally, but I can proudly say I've come a long way since my high school days.

It took me a while but I have learned that there is no one definition of beauty. It exists in so many forms. They always say that you should learn to love yourself, learn to appreciate yourself for who you are. No one told me that that is much easier said than done. That it's a process which takes time. Its takes even longer if you have other individuals placing seeds of doubt in your mind. It took me so long to feel comfortable in my own skin, to feel comfortable being me, and appreciating who I am. I learned to love what I can not change, and its not that I love it because I can not change it, I love it because its what God intended. I'm not too sure if that makes sense. One of the most important lessons learnt is that not everything is about appearance. I really do find it frustrating how the media stereotype beauty though. When it comes to this topic one needs to think out of the box and explore all possible avenues. The black girl with an Afro should be just as beautiful as the white girl with long blond hair. I think no matter how much we voice our opinions, its is hard to break  the mold in which our media portrays beauty. This is one of the reasons why I really appreciate what Tyra Banks is trying to convey. She wants the media to understand that beauty has so many facets and is not just one dimensional. At the end of the day, we all have our own idea of what beauty is. This is fine, but one should not have the right to treat others with condescension because that individual does not fit their ideal of what beauty is. As for me, I'm some what happier now than I was in high school. I feel I'm much wiser and refuse to allow anyone to put me in the position I was then. There is simply no way I can go back to that. I am so much wiser. Learn to love and appreciate yourself. It may take time, but its definitely worth it.

Is this it?

I find myself asking this question more often than usual. I'm not sure if its because I feel like I have not accomplished enough, or I am not being challenged enough. It bothers me how life can be quite...predictable.  Today I found myself thinking that life tends to be so mundane at times, a constant  repetitive cycle.

Its a constant struggle not to slip into the state of non-nonchalance.Figuratively speaking I feel like I'm standing still while everyone walks by me. Its not that I'm not accomplishing what I want, its just that things are not happening the way I want them to. If I were to imagine the way my life would be like four years ago now, this would not be what I imagine. I want more. I feel sometimes I'm not completely happy with my decisions. This year being a constant reminder of that. It simply re-enforces the ideas of what could have been. What could my life be like if I had done this instead of that. I find myself feeling unappreciated sometimes.

It really is a constant struggle not to slip into this state of depression. As much as I want things to change, I feel as though I have no power over bringing about the change. This ultimately is what tends to tarnish my self confidence as well as contributes to the slight depression I may feel at times. We always try to reach our goals and make sure we are happy with our decisions, but it seems like the world is not going to have it easy on us. Its not easy when your constantly comparing yourself to others. I'm not sure about everyone else but that, I think is one of my major problems.

Okay enough with the negativity. My new mantra for the year, and I guess for life in general, is to radiate positivity. I refuse to let certain situations get me down. Its up to me to ensure that I maintain a positive attitude as that is the only way I'll get through these situations. I feel like a positive state of mind can get you through almost any situation.So whatever it is you are going through, look for the silver lining and focus on that instead. Do not let one single bad experience be your downfall. Life I guess is full of them and letting them get to you means you wont be able to navigate your way through the dangerous unknown territory we call life. Okay, maybe not so dangerous, but sometimes it does feel like the unknown. With that I sign off.

Who I was,Who I am, Who I want to be

She finds herself waiting, hoping. Relentlessly searching, searching for that one moment that will not only define her, but change her. It is within this moment she'll discover that there are so many facets to her existence. There a  million and one dreams that have not been dreamt and a million and one opportunities waiting to be conquered. She contemplates and imagines  Her thoughts drift to who she was, who she is and who she has become. A journey led so far by fear, love and determination. An overwhelming cascade of emotions that are now second nature to who she currently is. 

Her aspirations, her downfalls. Her trials and her tribulations are a part of who she is. Fear and doubt make up part of who she was. Masked by a facade of happiness, lies broken dreams and missed opportunities. Misjudgments and misunderstandings. Time and time again she blamed herself for what she had become, of who she was. There was constant ambivelance as to who she wanted to be and who she was expected to be. It never occurred to her that she had the prerogative to always be who she wanted and not what was expected. 

She now faces all aspects of life with a brand new outlook. A simple change in her perception, changes her entire outlook on life. No longer is she blind to the opportunities that await her. She now has the courage to pursue her ambitions. Fully aware that patience and determination will see her through, she embarks not only on a journey of self-fulfillment, but a journey of self discovery and true happiness.