Is this it?

I find myself asking this question more often than usual. I'm not sure if its because I feel like I have not accomplished enough, or I am not being challenged enough. It bothers me how life can be quite...predictable.  Today I found myself thinking that life tends to be so mundane at times, a constant  repetitive cycle.

Its a constant struggle not to slip into the state of non-nonchalance.Figuratively speaking I feel like I'm standing still while everyone walks by me. Its not that I'm not accomplishing what I want, its just that things are not happening the way I want them to. If I were to imagine the way my life would be like four years ago now, this would not be what I imagine. I want more. I feel sometimes I'm not completely happy with my decisions. This year being a constant reminder of that. It simply re-enforces the ideas of what could have been. What could my life be like if I had done this instead of that. I find myself feeling unappreciated sometimes.

It really is a constant struggle not to slip into this state of depression. As much as I want things to change, I feel as though I have no power over bringing about the change. This ultimately is what tends to tarnish my self confidence as well as contributes to the slight depression I may feel at times. We always try to reach our goals and make sure we are happy with our decisions, but it seems like the world is not going to have it easy on us. Its not easy when your constantly comparing yourself to others. I'm not sure about everyone else but that, I think is one of my major problems.

Okay enough with the negativity. My new mantra for the year, and I guess for life in general, is to radiate positivity. I refuse to let certain situations get me down. Its up to me to ensure that I maintain a positive attitude as that is the only way I'll get through these situations. I feel like a positive state of mind can get you through almost any situation.So whatever it is you are going through, look for the silver lining and focus on that instead. Do not let one single bad experience be your downfall. Life I guess is full of them and letting them get to you means you wont be able to navigate your way through the dangerous unknown territory we call life. Okay, maybe not so dangerous, but sometimes it does feel like the unknown. With that I sign off.

Who I was,Who I am, Who I want to be

She finds herself waiting, hoping. Relentlessly searching, searching for that one moment that will not only define her, but change her. It is within this moment she'll discover that there are so many facets to her existence. There a  million and one dreams that have not been dreamt and a million and one opportunities waiting to be conquered. She contemplates and imagines  Her thoughts drift to who she was, who she is and who she has become. A journey led so far by fear, love and determination. An overwhelming cascade of emotions that are now second nature to who she currently is. 

Her aspirations, her downfalls. Her trials and her tribulations are a part of who she is. Fear and doubt make up part of who she was. Masked by a facade of happiness, lies broken dreams and missed opportunities. Misjudgments and misunderstandings. Time and time again she blamed herself for what she had become, of who she was. There was constant ambivelance as to who she wanted to be and who she was expected to be. It never occurred to her that she had the prerogative to always be who she wanted and not what was expected. 

She now faces all aspects of life with a brand new outlook. A simple change in her perception, changes her entire outlook on life. No longer is she blind to the opportunities that await her. She now has the courage to pursue her ambitions. Fully aware that patience and determination will see her through, she embarks not only on a journey of self-fulfillment, but a journey of self discovery and true happiness. 

Tired

I'm tired of feeling as I do
I'm tired of never feeling good enough
I'm tired of not feeling beautiful
I'm tired of being judged, by those who don't even know me

I'm tired of not getting what I want
I'm tired of my insecurities
I'm tired of constantly having to try so hard
Trying so hard to fit in, to belong.
I'm tired.

I'm tired of pretending I'm fine when I want to cry
I'm tired of feeling sad for no reason
I'm tired of wanting things to change
I'm tired of feeling the way I do when they don't

I'm tired of wanting more
I'm tired of hoping, wishing it were different
I'm tired of the voice telling me I can't
I'm tired of always giving in to that sub conscience

I'm tired of never always being happy
I'm tired of feeling as if its not worth it
I'm tired of the overwhelming, consuming bouts of sadness
I'm tired of waiting for things to change
I'm tired of waiting for it all to end
I'm tired