Passing by

Today I learned that my cousin passed away. He was nineteen. It still has not completely sunk in yet. I feel numb. Its this sort of feeling where you don't even want to feel anything and everything seems pointless. He was way too young. They say that life is short, and when your time comes you should not question it...that its Gods plan.  I don't think it was in his plan to leave a family grieving. I don't know, I feel like I am at a loss for words. Life is funny, its funny how you can be with someone one day and their gone the next. Its saddening to think he still had his whole life ahead of him. He could have done so much but I guess God had other plans. \

This is the second death in the family this year after my grandmother passed last month. I think there is something wrong with me as I did not shed tears for my grandmother. I think that might have been because she had lived her life, as she was eighty-five, and in a way you saw it coming. she was elderly so at the back of your mind you know that she would not be with us much longer. But this...this was completely unexpected. I felt as if I would cry when I first heard but I didn't. I would not allow myself to. I feel I should mourn to get the needed closure. This is the first person, close to my own age, that I have known personally pass away.

I suppose I will cry eventually, as I do and will miss him. He was a great person to talk to and be around. I don't think I can even explain how much I will miss him.

This blog post is dedicated to you. I want you to know that you will be greatly missed by us all. You may have left us physically but you will be in our hearts. I will miss your funny jokes and your quirky ways. I'll miss your sense of humor, how you could always make me laugh. I still cant believe that your gone. Until we meet again...

R.I.P

Better Days

There are days when it’s difficult to make sense of anything. Feeling as though the world will collapse around you. Misery, desperation and despair are eminent. You become obliviously indulgent in mounds of emotion. Negativity becomes your companion; loneliness your fear. Desolation surrounds you, falling like a veil that can not be lifted.

These are the days when you struggle. Nothing seems as simple as yesterday or as hopeful as tomorrow. Smiling even though you’re dying on the inside. Wondering, hoping, and praying….for that better day, when everything made sense. When smiling at a complete stranger was the easiest thing in the world. And you never had to worry about the lesser days. You knew they were coming, but somehow at that point in time it never bothered you…because you are so caught up in this state of unadulterated bliss….this joy, that’s almost indescribable. Every thing and everyone around seems so much more vibrant, beautiful, enthusiastic appreciative of life and all that it has to offer.

Although you don’t realize it, these complicated days will come to pass. Moving on, realizing where you want to be; how you’re going to get there. Making that decision….this will not be the state of your life, neither will it define you. It will see you to these better days. You rid yourself of the shackles that bound you to the helplessness. You rise above the despair that suppressed you for what seems like an eternity. You learn to believe in yourself, your capabilities. See things in a new light, open your eyes….and then you’ll see, the bliss that once was; the appreciation, love, beauty…..LIFE

Wreckless Abandon

I lay awake, hoping, dreaming
Dreaming of better days to come
Dreaming of being happier than I am

Pondering...what could have been
what lies ahead
A fleeting thought which could one day become my reality
Finding myself waiting....

Waiting for the day I wake up, waiting for the day I can begin living
Refusing to accept what is and never losing faith
Shrouded by doubts, plagued by insecurity

Letting go of my inhibitions
abandoning the negativity I have carried around forever
A heavy burden, now a weight lifted.

Knowing that this is not the end but simply the beginning
having all the power to initiate a new beautiful beginning
Wanting more out of life
Driven by the hunger to succeed

All the pain and suffering now inconsequential
As I now embark on this journey of self fulfillment
I lay awake...hoping...dreaming.