Deciphering this existence

I have thought, and I hope I'm not alone in this, What is the point? Yes the repetitive age old question, what is really the meaning of this existence really. I've noted how of course we naturally tend to think this when things are going wrong. Its during these moments, not always though, we second guess life. I've always thought it sucks how its something we have absolutely no control over. Not getting to decide whether you you actually want to be part of this big, confusing, competitive place we call our home. Home to roughly 6 to 7 billion other individuals. We are ALOT. It can be overwhelming.

At the end of it, will it really matter whether you were here or not. This is of course interpreted differently by those with different religious views. Not being a very religious person myself, I do tend to sometimes question where all this is going. I find my self at an odds when I simply can not make sense of it. At the end of the day, the truth is no one knows for sure. For those who believe in deities, they have their faith. Again, I'm not stating I'm an atheist or non-believer but my faith tends to waver in comparison to the devoted worshipers. I do believe in a higher power, God, and I do believe he does protect us. I just don't understand eternal life after our life on earth. It is perplexing to me how we are set to live our life on earth in accordance to or in anticipation of a life after this. How what we do in this life, we shall pay for it in our afterlife, be it good or bad. This makes me think that people hold back or live with reservation as they are trying to ensure a pleasant afterlife. That's not how one should live life, but then again, these are probably guidelines for us on how to live a righteous life.

I feel that religion tends to have its extremists. Just as any other ideology. I find it interesting how each is different and how some condemn others. In the case of extremists, condemnation tends to be more server. This is the stark dissimilarity within religion. It can be seen as a guide and fortitude for those who suffer or it can be the cause of so much suffering. I on the one hand have my reservations. I am not a devoted worshiper but I do believe in His presence.  I don not attend service religiously but i do, though occasionally, have conversations with Him. I wonder what awaits me, all of us, after this life has passed and if one day we'll actually come to understand the meaning of it all.

3 am...

Yes I have been overwhelmed with a bout of insomnia. The lack of sleep attributed to who knows what. And I am now using this opportunity to finally blog. ( yay!) SMH...I still need to figure out how this whole thing (blogging) works as I still have no idea how to follow other bloggers. Bleh...

It is a new year and God knows I have tried every year to keep my resolutions. Seeing as this year I have none, that wont be much of a challenge. I find that new years resolutions are not the best way to usher in change as change needs to be gradual. It happens over time. Its not a situation where you think "oh its a new year so as of today, January 1st, I'm totally going to change a certain habit which I've had for years". Speaking of change, I feel like one phase of my life has ended. That's four years of uni done. Finally I get to be a graduate. Which is exciting yet daunting all at once. Excited at the prospect of finally entering the work force, I must say I will miss the student carefree days. I'll miss the books as well as studying even though during the four years of study there were nights I felt like burning my books. 

Its all about change and i'm seeing everyone around me grow up, graduate, get married and oh yeah have kids. I always thought I was totally okay with it all, but sometimes I feel like I want more change in my own life. There are honestly times I feel so bored with my life and the events in it. I really wanted this year to be different in so many ways. It seems as if I'v been stuck in one place. I mean that figuratively. That i know makes no sense since that's not the case but it feels that way. I guess that's because the years that passed were not what I had expected them to be. 

Anyhow, I am trying to have a positive outlook on the the year ahead and hopefully it will be more eventful than the last.  I may have no resolutions for 2013 but I definitely have a mantra, which is to have a positive outlook and try to see everything in a positive light. I mean life is what we make it right. The perfect year for me would be, dating the guy I obsess over and getting a position for my internship close to home. That would be perfect, but since life never gives you "perfect" I am psychologically prepared for whatever comes my way. whatever that may be. What I do know is that I will focus all my effort on working through the year to get this internship done and applying for uni the following year.Its so important to me to study next year. I want the away from home experience which I missed out on. Not only that but I really want to travel. I want to explore, and exploit the fact that I'm young and can still get away with so much. 

And that is a wrap up of what I want for the year I guess. The year has barely stared and I feel like its dragging. bleh, I need to get more proactive and stop being so damn lazy. My worst enemy by far. I really need to sleep...